When I'm 88

I want to look as good as M. M is my mother. She's M because she dislikes the moniker mum; mummy ceased being appropriate when I was 4, and Mother is just too formal, notwithstanding it sounds a little ominous. Secretly, I think she enjoys the MI6 associations the letter suggests.

At 88, M has a full head of silvery white hair. This she puts down to her daily consumption of millet flakes. Bird food! I think she discovered this when I was in my thirties and still cared inordinately about my appearance. 'You'll have a luscious head of hair,' she told me. As I was rather proud of my hair, I thought this could be the secret ingredient that took my locks to unmatched beauty! I avidly ate millet flakes, sprinkling them over everything that hit my plate.

This new regime lasted a little over a month. My hair did, indeed, get thicker. It shone. I flaunted it. Good job, M, I thought! Then I noticed the hair on my legs also got thicker; not a problem, that's what razors are for. There was more hair on my arms, not ideal. When long dark thick hairs started populating my upper lip, that was the straw, the camel and the back! There is a limit. Millet, I decided then, was for old ladies and budgerigars. I'm there now: it's time I started eating it again.

M may have slowed down a little; she's not as mobile, and by her own slightly ashamed admission, she no longer makes her own pastry, but she's grand for 88!

With Mother's Day in the US coming up, I wanted to give M a tip of the hat. 88 looks good on her. There's really no need to make your own pastry; however, if you give up the sausage rolls, mince pies and beloved boozy Christmas cake, there may be a revolution. Pop would also like to put a word in for honeycream pie, trifle, the amazing home made ice cream with raspberry coulis, the millionaire shortbread, lemon cake, scones, and, drum roll please...Sticky Toffee Pudding!

The Sticky Toffee Pudding is sublime. It's a little time consuming. There's the chopping of the dates and the pecans. There is always the slight chance that the puddings will not come so cleanly from their moulds. The toffee/caramel topping is grilled at the last moment and, if not timed to the second, will burn, and if the glorious pud comes through unscathed to this point, there's always the chance the the greedy labradoodle that once roamed these halls will leap up on the counter and scoff the lot!!!

I can see M's face now!!!